I’m dating again and looking for something very specific so I’m not opening my life for a dick-spree or any dating orgies. Why I feel the need to express that I don’t know, but I do know what I want and I’m not settling for anything less.
Anyway, I was having a chat with a prospective suitor about our dating app fails — I call them “case studies”— when something I said triggered him. I was talking about honesty and when a man doesn’t share his marital status on his profile or fairly soon after connecting.
For the record, I think people should disclose their status as poly right up front as well because most people aren’t interested in a poly relationship so why waste anyone’s time. I know I don’t have much time to waste sorting it all out.
Anyway, after our chat I went away thinking yikes I sounded a bit like Mother Superior on a tear about honesty. I wanted to text him back this morning to explain but instead of drafting a text, I ended up with a blog post…
I’ll just text him the link. Lol 😂
I think I hopped up on my soapbox last night and you might think I’m looking for the perfect robot, not a human.
I can say this…
I’m not perfect. I have fucked up and failed in relationships, including my marriage. The only way I have found to be able to heal things and move forward is in first being honest with myself and then being honest with my husband, my partner in this life.
I don’t expect to know every detail of a person’s relationship journey from their profile or even within the first contact, but there are a few things I should know before we decide to meet:
- Are you married or in a long-term committed relationship?
- If so, are you open?
Knowing this tells me how honest you can be in tough situations like do you have any stds, do you have anger management issues, have you ever been violent with a woman?
I want you to think about it this way… you have a daughter who I know you love and would do anything to protect. Some day she will be old enough to swipe left or right and find her own dates. What will you tell her to help keep her safe?
Most men don’t worry about a woman physically overtaking them, smacking them around and having their way… most women do think about it.
You date without the fear of physical or sexual harm. We do not.
Because one in three women will experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime. I have, and I wish to avoid another experience like that at all cost.
So what signs should I look for when initially making contact and getting to know someone? What will you tell your daughter to look for? What will you tell your wife as she starts dating?
The only thing I can think of is to look for a measure of honesty. Even if they don’t put it all on the line in a profile (and why would you?), a man should be honest enough to declare his status and what, if any complications, there are BEFORE asking a woman out.
If you respect a woman enough, you will give her the information that she needs to decide whether or not it’s a situation she can or wants to handle.
When you’re not honest, you’re banking on the fact that she’ll fall for you and work through any conflicts or issues to stay once she gets the full story.
It’s not fair or honorable for you to hook her heart into your messy, dishonest situation. Fix your shit first! (Not yelling just making an emphatic plea.)
A man who can be honest about where he is in a messy complicated relationship shows me strength and courage, characteristics I admire tremendously. That’s who I want to date.
Anything less? I’m not here to judge you, but I just don’t have time. I’ve got hot dogs to burn, a sink full of dishes, homework to check, Christmas packages to ship… and you get the point.
So just respect your date’s time and treat her the way you would want a potential suitor to treat your daughter, your wife, or even you.
Image by jill111 on Pixabay