Poly Dating? Swipe Left on Monogamists.

Even before my husband and I decided to open our marriage, I’ve always enjoyed meeting new people, spending time hearing their stories, and learning from their experiences. I’m definitely an extrovert because I get energy from being in social situations.

That said, I also greatly value my alone time. It’s when I can exhale, meditate, read, and write. This is precious quiet time that I need daily.

In deciding to open our marriage, I was looking forward to spending more time around people I find interesting regardless of their gender. I like spending time with my girlfriends, but I missed male companionship even if platonic. But if there was mutual interest and chemistry, then being poly meant we could ethically explore where that might lead.

I’ve been at this poly dating thing since the end of last year, and I’ve learned a few “thangs” in that time. I’ve had many coffees, lunches, drinks, dinners, and a few lukewarm evenings sprinkled in between.

Sometimes, I knew right away there wasn’t chemistry and the conversation didn’t go further. Most of the time, it was mutual and we wished each other well and moved on.

Sometimes it took a bit longer to figure out if we had a true match. As time goes on, I learn more about myself and my needs. I also better understand the scheduling challenges that come with poly dating as a wife and mother.

I would love to maintain deep friendships with all of the kind souls that I meet along this journey, but there just isn’t enough time.

Maybe if I became Facebook or Instagram friends with everyone I met, we could keep in touch. I think social media is good for that but most of the guys I’ve met choose not to follow me or if they did, they unfollow once we decide to move on. I have open profiles but many of them do not, so I follow their lead in this area.

Making a heart and heat connection isn’t easily done for most people I know. It’s why I value even more the connection I have with my husband. To say things have gotten better between us since opening would be an understatement. We’re moving in our world unafraid, bolstered, and supported by unconditional love. It’s a beautiful experience.

If I can give newly poly people one piece of dating advice, I would say to seek out other poly or poly-friendly people. Some people say they are poly-friendly, but they are really curious, but monogamists.

They may really just want to be in a loosely defined relationship but can’t stand the thought of the person they’re dating, dating someone else. They still see people as property.

Suss this situation early in your chats and swipe left if you get the sense that they’re uncomfortable in a truly poly relationship. For example, they might be fine with you being married or in an LTR, but the thought of you dating anyone else besides them gives them pause. This will become an obstacle at some point.

I feel it’s that they don’t truly understand or accept polyamory. You’ll end up spending a lot of time explaining and training versus living your life and enjoying it.

If you need to learn this on your own, by all means, but if you want to save yourself some heartache, then I suggest you discuss this topic early on, up front and honestly.

What do you think? Do you think think you could convince a monogamist at heart to accept and enjoy a poly relationship? Am I wrong?




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4 thoughts on “Poly Dating? Swipe Left on Monogamists.

  1. Personally, I don’t know if anybody is a true monogamist. Bare with me for a second: people talk about “mono and poly people” only in the sense of a sexual romantic relationship. But I have yet to meet someone who has “one friend” or a “love one parent” or “only connect with one family member.” I have never met anyone that said “oh I have my work friend, so we can’t go to lunch.” People are only “exclusive” in sexual relations and even that is an illusion since a lot of us cheet, a lot of us are “not looking for anything serious” and some of us don’t want to have sex with anybody regardless. I think different insecurities come at different times of our lives. As I get older (and not really wiser), I find that I put a importance and meaning to different aspects of someone’s life. I’m not saying that I would want to “convince” anybody of anything. I’m saying that some of us see things different. I’m probably wrong, it’s just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you certainly have wisdom. 😊

      I agree, the terms mono/poly are primarily used as it relates to romantic relationships. I have, however, experienced jealousy from a platonic friend who felt I had too many friends which meant I wasn’t as available to her. She ultimately ended our friendship over it.

      But for the most part, we don’t question the loyalty or love of a friend or relative because they love other friends and relatives.

      Much of our society is built around monogamy in our romantic relationships. It’s a hard notion to challenge or change especially when dealing with the religious influence on it.

      I’m with you, however, in that some of us see things differently. I certainly do now.

      You’re not wrong at all. You’ve provided a very thoughtful and reflective response to a tough question about how we accept and/or relate to these differences in people. Thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think you could convince a monogamist to accept and enjoy a poly relationship but people change and that monogamist may come around on their own. When I was young I was much more jealous and insecure. I wouldn’t have been able to handle a poly relationship. Of course, now that I’m old enough, no one’s interested.

    Liked by 1 person

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