Even before my husband and I decided to open our marriage, I’ve always enjoyed meeting new people, spending time hearing their stories, and learning from their experiences. I’m definitely an extrovert because I get energy from being in social situations.
That said, I also greatly value my alone time. It’s when I can exhale, meditate, read, and write. This is precious quiet time that I need daily.
In deciding to open our marriage, I was looking forward to spending more time around people I find interesting regardless of their gender. I like spending time with my girlfriends, but I missed male companionship even if platonic. But if there was mutual interest and chemistry, then being poly meant we could ethically explore where that might lead.
I’ve been at this poly dating thing since the end of last year, and I’ve learned a few “thangs” in that time. I’ve had many coffees, lunches, drinks, dinners, and a few lukewarm evenings sprinkled in between.
Sometimes, I knew right away there wasn’t chemistry and the conversation didn’t go further. Most of the time, it was mutual and we wished each other well and moved on.
Sometimes it took a bit longer to figure out if we had a true match. As time goes on, I learn more about myself and my needs. I also better understand the scheduling challenges that come with poly dating as a wife and mother.
I would love to maintain deep friendships with all of the kind souls that I meet along this journey, but there just isn’t enough time.
Maybe if I became Facebook or Instagram friends with everyone I met, we could keep in touch. I think social media is good for that but most of the guys I’ve met choose not to follow me or if they did, they unfollow once we decide to move on. I have open profiles but many of them do not, so I follow their lead in this area.
Making a heart and heat connection isn’t easily done for most people I know. It’s why I value even more the connection I have with my husband. To say things have gotten better between us since opening would be an understatement. We’re moving in our world unafraid, bolstered, and supported by unconditional love. It’s a beautiful experience.
If I can give newly poly people one piece of dating advice, I would say to seek out other poly or poly-friendly people. Some people say they are poly-friendly, but they are really curious, but monogamists.
They may really just want to be in a loosely defined relationship but can’t stand the thought of the person they’re dating, dating someone else. They still see people as property.
Suss this situation early in your chats and swipe left if you get the sense that they’re uncomfortable in a truly poly relationship. For example, they might be fine with you being married or in an LTR, but the thought of you dating anyone else besides them gives them pause. This will become an obstacle at some point.
I feel it’s that they don’t truly understand or accept polyamory. You’ll end up spending a lot of time explaining and training versus living your life and enjoying it.
If you need to learn this on your own, by all means, but if you want to save yourself some heartache, then I suggest you discuss this topic early on, up front and honestly.
What do you think? Do you think think you could convince a monogamist at heart to accept and enjoy a poly relationship? Am I wrong?
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