Sex is not love.

I’m a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic. I love romance. For me, however, romance can exist outside of love.

I love love, all types of love. And, falling “in love” (not to be confused with loving someone) is the best feeling ever, but that doesn’t happen often for me. Instead, I tend to meet really amazing people who I could easily love, and with whom I can enjoy romantic moments and maybe even sex.

But sex is not love and it’s not “in love.”

For many, sex is an important component to a loving relationship and bond. The level of intimacy you can experience when bonding with another person sexually is tremendous. I’ll understand you in a deeper way when I learn what makes you smile, what makes your toes curl, and even what makes you cum.

Knowing you in that most intimate way might lead to feelings of love, but the experience of sex itself isn’t being “in love.” It can be an expression of love, but the thrill you feel from an orgasm isn’t falling in love.

Do I love you because you make me laugh and smile whenever you’re around? Maybe, but that’s not how I define love or being in love. It’s definitely a component.

Do I love you because you’re all I can fix my mind to think about every waking hour of the day? No, that isn’t love either, it’s just pure infatuation. It feels so good and sooo close to love, but it’s not. That said, if we make it through infatuation and we’re still having fun together and showing up for each other, this is where true love can begin.

When you’re healthy and clear-minded, when you’ve done the hard work to heal old emotional wounds, and when you’ve learned new tools to deal with future triggers, then your heart is ready for love and/or falling in love.

But when anger and jealousy cloud your mind at the thought of a lover or friend being out with someone else, and when your response to feelings of jealousy is destructive, vulgar, or painful to yourself or others, then you have to hit pause and re-evaluate what is going on with you!

This is not love, at least not by my standards.

I can’t and won’t abide it.

While I am a recovering Christian and don’t often turn to the Bible for explanations or truths, there is wisdom in this historical text:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This is love. ❤️

It is the ruler by which I’ll measure your words and actions toward me, and you should do the same with me.

Before uttering the words, “I love you” or “I’m falling in love with you” just understand that my heart and brain can only recognize true love through the filter of that lens I mentioned above.

Now that could be my quirk and I may have it all wrong, but it’s what works for me.




Image by Pixabay

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